There are moments in my life that I absolutely hate who I have become in the strangest ways. I dislike the things that most women are proud to say and be.
I hate that I am a sell out. I got married which I did not plan for nor did I think I ever wanted. My plan in life was to graduate college, move out/away, rent an apartment, and work full time. Sooner or later, I would go back to school and continue climbing the corporate ladder. As for a husband- that was an non-existing thought. Having a boyfriend? Yes but, not too serious. Kids, were never even a thought in my head. Nor was buying a house so young. As for religion, I seriously thought I would go through my life knowing there is something but, being unclear on who or why; was the perfect idea for me. I liked not knowing.
This was my idea life. This was the life I dreamt of, the one that when life became tough I thought about for peace. I could escape; by myself. But, at alas, this was before I meant my husband. I have learned as much as you think your plan in life is excellent; God often does not. What is my reality, you ask? I am married, living in our home as I work, take care of my parents, and run bible studies. I became that girl. The girl I was always so disappointed in. The girl I looked down upon because she followed what society told her to be. I never wanted to end up here; yet I am.
I often rationalize my decisions in life to make myself feel like I followed my own path. I mean after all, I am in an industry that is mainly male gender. And I purchase my house at the age of 21. Oh, and I got married when I was 20. See, different. Right?
Well, as much as I hope that makes me different and out of the norm; it doesn’t. This ideal life I created is not ideal because jealousy will always exist. Being single will always be easier. And I will have to live with the knowledge that I sold out because I was in love.
I get where youre coming from. I feel sometimes like I “sold out” too. House in the ‘burbs, brunch, anchors around your chest keeping you from pulling up roots.
Then I remember that I have two fantastic dogs and an amazing wife living in that house with me. And I’m eating brunch with people I love. And the “anchor” isn’t an anchor at all, it’s a family of in-laws that can stand to see each other more than once a year. I remember being single and longing for someone to know who I really was, someone to understand me and challenge me and make me want to be a better man than the one I was. and I was blessed even beyond that.
God gave me you, when I was least expecting it - when I had planned for an entirely different lifestyle. I am so glad he did.
Every coin has two sides. Sometimes it’s too easy to see the negative things about when my life is. I have to sometimes force myself to choose to see the positives that God has brought me. I know his plans for me are so beyond my understanding, oh me who tries to lay out my future like a map and gets so ornery when my plans go awry. That’s why we count our blessings every night - because if we didn’t, I might miss them and unjustly think my life is something less meaningful and full of joy than it actually is. “The grass is always greener on the other side”, they say.
I love you. I know you think that maybe you’re not where you wanted to be, but I promise that you’re exactly where you ought to be. God isn’t done with us, and he uses you as a force for positivity if you let him - the way people notice you act different around the office, the way you take care of your parents, the way you make people smile. The way you have provided for two homeless dogs, and the way you’ve provided so much for me in so many ways.
It’s time for me to provide for you. This next weekend is our vacation weekend - lets go to San Diego, love. Time to forget about the world for awhile.